


Storytime: The Three Bears

by JohnAmendAll



Series: Storytime [7]
Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fusion, Gen, This Time Round Metaverse (Doctor Who)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-22
Updated: 2015-10-22
Packaged: 2018-04-27 15:19:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5053795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JohnAmendAll/pseuds/JohnAmendAll
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clara's Victorian governess incarnation reads a story to the children in the nursery.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Storytime: The Three Bears

"Don't tell me," Izzy said. "You want to tell a story to the children."

Her visitor raised an elegant eyebrow. "It's that obvious?"

"You're not the first, and I'm sure you won't be the last. So tell me why you're here. The **real** reason."

"To be blunt," Clara Montague said, "I need the money."

Izzy folded her arms and wondered if she'd have to go through this with every one of Clara's fragments. "And you think we'll pay you? It doesn't work like that."

"No." A guarded look crossed Clara's face. "I've got an offer of sponsorship."

"You mean someone put you up to this."

"You're a very suspicious person," Clara said. "You should try to look for the good in people, as I do."

"Look after a nursery full of toddlers for an afternoon and then tell me how much good you see in people."

"Thank you." Clara doffed her cloak, handed it to Izzy, and swept into the creche. "I believe I shall."

Mechanically, Izzy hung the cloak on a peg. "All right," she said to herself. "Have it your own way."

⁂

"Now, then," Miss Montague said brightly. "What story would everybody like?"

"Cinderella," little Reinette suggested.

This was met with a vehement chorus of disagreement.

"We keep having Cinderella," baby River said. "And most of the time it's not even the one where they cut the stepsisters' heads off. Bo-ring."

"Sherlock Holmes," little Charley said.

"Sherlock Holmes?" Clara repeated. "There is no way I'm reading you some trashy modern thriller. What stories have these children been told?" she asked, turning to the corner where Izzy was quietly sitting.

Izzy shrugged. "Whatever's in the storybook. Don't ask me how the stories get in there in the first place."

"Well, we shan't have any of that," Clara said firmly, turning the page on a woodcut showing a ghostly severed head hovering in midair. "This appears far more appropriate." She cleared her throat. "The Three Bears, by Robert Southey. Published in 1837. From his book..." She eyed the storybook with sudden suspicion. "From his book, The Doctor."

> **Clara / Narrator** :  
>  Once upon a time there were three bears, who lived together in a house of their own in a wood. One of them was a little, small, Baby Bear...
> 
> _[The bears' cottage. The Simm Master bounds into view, accompanied by the bouncy, upbeat music of Kimura Yuki. He is dressed in the red coat, yellow trousers and yellow scarf of Rupert Bear, but has made no other gestures toward looking the least bit bearlike. He waves at the audience, and with one lightning-assisted bound leaps into the house through the bedroom window.]_
> 
> **Clara / Narrator** :  
>  One of them was a medium-sized Mummy Bear...
> 
> _[The music is cut off with the sound of a scratching record needle. Missy emerges from the cottage, holding the Simm Master by his ear. She is dressed as a 1950s housewife.]_
> 
> **Missy / Mummy Bear** :  
>  Don't you ever let me hear you listening to that appalling racket again. And how dare you come in without wiping your shoes?
> 
> **Clara / Narrator** :  
>  And one of them was a great huge Daddy Bear.
> 
> _[A person in a teddy bear costume, of the sort you might see in a theme park or retail outlet, walks up. He removes the head, revealing the features of the Ainley Master.]_
> 
> **Ainley Master / Daddy Bear** _[looking at his 'family']_ :  
>  It would seem that my disguise skills have taken a sad turn for the worse.
> 
> **Missy / Mummy Bear** :  
>  There's "disguise skills", and then there's "dressing up as a Major-General just because you've got nothing else to do."
> 
> **Clara / Narrator** :  
>  The bears always had porridge for their breakfast.
> 
> _[With a flare of teleportation effects, Emperor Ludens Nimrod Kendrick Cord Longstaff the 41st materialises. He is dressed as a grocer, and carrying a number of boxes of oatmeal.]_
> 
> **Emperor Ludens Nimrod Kendrick Cord Longstaff the 41st** :  
>  Here's your order. Same as usual, eh, Mr Bear?
> 
> **Ainley Master / Daddy Bear** :  
>  Thank you. _[He takes the boxes.]_ Put it on the account, would you?
> 
> **Emperor Ludens Nimrod Kendrick Cord Longstaff the 41st** :  
>  Right you are, sir. _[He touches his forelock and dematerialises.]_
> 
> **Clara / Narrator** :  
>  One day, after the bears had made the porridge for their breakfast, and poured it out into their porridge-pots, they walked out into the wood to let it cool. They left the door unlocked, because they were good bears, who did nobody any harm, and never suspected that anybody would harm them.
> 
> **Missy / Mummy Bear** _[turning to the camera as she passes it]_ :  
>  And if you believe that, you may have a bright future as a minion in one of our cunning schemes. _[She winks.]_
> 
> _[The three walk off into the woods.]_
> 
> **Clara / Narrator** :  
>  While the bears were out walking, a little old woman came to the house.

"No she didn't!" Baby Rose protested. "It was a girl an' she was called Goldilocks."

Baby Danny nodded. "We know the Three Bears. It doesn't have old ladies in it at all."

Clara looked down at the page. From her own recollection of the story, she was inclined to side with the children. And if the storybook objected, she would just have to show it who was in charge.

"Very well," she said.

> **Clara / Narrator** :  
>  And while the bears were out walking, a young girl came to the house. She was called 'Goldilocks' because of her golden hair.
> 
> _[Lucie Miller arrives, dressed as for a night on the town.]_
> 
> **Lucie / Goldilocks** :  
>  I knew I shouldn't've taken that left turn at Anchorsholme. Wonder where this is? _[She does an exaggerated look around.]_ Maybe I'll ask in here.
> 
> _[She walks into the house. There is a loud twanging noise, and an infuriated shout.]_
> 
> _[Inside the Bears' house. There is a long table with three bowls of porridge on it, and three chairs behind it. In one corner, a staircase leads up.]_
> 
> _[Lucie / Goldilocks is hanging upside down just inside the front door, a rope around her ankles.]_

"That isn't in the Three Bears either!" little Martha protested.

Baby Jack had other concerns. "How come she's upside down and her skirt's still hanging like she's the right way up?"

"Magic," Clara said firmly.

> **Clara / Narrator** :  
>  If she'd been a good little old woman— if she'd been a good girl, she'd have waited till the bears came home, and perhaps they'd have asked her to breakfast. But she was an impudent, bad, girl, and set about helping herself.
> 
> **Lucie / Goldilocks** :  
>  Care to explain how? When I'm hanging around like this?
> 
> **Clara / Narrator** :  
>  Could you reach up and cut yourself free?
> 
> **Lucie / Goldilocks** :  
>  Oh, yeah, 'cos I definitely take a big sharp knife with me every time I go clubbing.
> 
> **Clara / Narrator** :  
>  There's a knife on the table. Could you try and swing across and get it?
> 
> **Lucie / Goldilocks** :  
>  Yeah, a _butter_ knife. 
> 
> **Clara / Narrator** :  
>  Well, if you'd rather wait, the bears are bound to come home sooner or later.
> 
> **Lucie / Goldilocks** :  
>  This is never gonna work.
> 
> _[Nonetheless, she manages to twist around and push off the doorframe. A few pushes later, and she's swinging wildly to and fro around the room.]_

The children cheered wildly, calling out encouragement to Lucie as she made grabs for the knife. Except for the baby Celestial Toymaker, who had instead chosen to add to the din by coaxing sweet melody from a harmonica. 

> **Lucie / Goldilocks** _[still swinging wildly back and forth]_ :  
>  No good, I can't reach it.
> 
> **Clara / Narrator** :  
>  Can you grab that broom and pull the knife closer?
> 
> _[Lucie snatches at the broom. Her desperate flailing with it sweeps Mummy Bear's bowl of porridge off the table, tips Baby Bear's chair over, and knocks a pair of candlesticks off the mantlepiece. Nonetheless, she perseveres, and by a heroic effort, manages to retrieve the knife.]_
> 
> **Lucie / Goldilocks** :  
>  Now what?
> 
> **Clara / Narrator** :  
>  Reach up and cut the rope, of course.
> 
> **Lucie / Goldilocks** :  
>  Easy for you to say 'of course', you're not the one hanging upside down in a bears' kitchen.
> 
> _[With a supreme effort she reaches up, and saws ineffectually at the rope.]_
> 
> **Clara / Narrator** :  
>  Any joy?
> 
> **Lucie / Goldilocks** :  
>  I told you, it's a butter knife. You'll have to think of something else.
> 
> **Clara / Narrator** :  
>  Well, I've got another idea, but I don't think you'll like it.
> 
> **Lucie / Goldilocks** :  
>  D'you think I'm loving hanging around upside down waiting for a load of bears to show up?
> 
> **Clara / Narrator** :  
>  All right. Goldilocks' struggles had loosened the bit of the ceiling where the rope went over a pulley. It came free with a crash.
> 
> _[In a shower of plaster dust, Goldilocks, the rope and the pulley all plummet. They land on top of Daddy Bear's chair, which collapses with a nasty splintering sound.]_
> 
> **Lucie / Goldilocks** _[rubbing portions of her anatomy]_ :  
>  That really fu—
> 
> **Clara / Narrator** _[hastily talking over her]_ :  
>  Goldilocks said a wicked word.
> 
> **Lucie / Goldilocks** :  
>  No kidding.
> 
> _[She tries to untie the rope around her ankles, with no success.]_
> 
> **Lucie / Goldilocks** :  
>  This is just getting ridiculous. I'm supposed to do this whole thing with me legs tied together?
> 
> **Clara / Narrator** :  
>  I suppose so. Let's get on with it, anyway. _[She clears her throat.]_ Goldilocks decided to taste the porridge. She started with Daddy Bear's porridge, but that was too hot for her.
> 
> _[Lucie cautiously dips a spoon in the largest bowl of porridge, and puts it in her mouth. Instantly, she drops the spoon and clutches her throat.]_
> 
> **Lucie / Goldilocks** _[barely able to force the word out]_ :  
>  Pepper!
> 
> _[She snatches a jug of water, and gulps it down; there is a sizzling sound, and steam comes out of her mouth. Still gasping for air, she tries to stagger backwards, but since her legs are still tied together she falls into Mummy Bear's chair. She lands with an ominous squelch.]_
> 
> **Lucie / Goldilocks** :  
>  What the fudge...? _[She looks down]_ Eurgh.
> 
> **Clara / Narrator** :  
>  What happened?
> 
> **Lucie / Goldilocks** :  
>  You know that bowl of porridge I knocked off the table? Guess where it landed. Go on, guess.
> 
> **Clara / Narrator** :  
>  On the chair?
> 
> **Lucie / Goldilocks** :  
>  Got it in one. This was me best clubbing skirt, too.
> 
> **Clara / Narrator** :  
>  Well, Mummy Bear's chair _is_ the one that's supposed to be too soft for Goldilocks.
> 
> **Lucie / Goldilocks** :  
>  And that's supposed to make me feel better, is it? _[She manages to pull herself upright.]_ Look, there's got to be a bathroom or something upstairs. I'll go and get cleaned up.
> 
> _[She hops across to the staircase, and pulls herself up using the banisters.]_
> 
> _[The Three Bears' bedroom. Three beds stand side by side. There is a jug and bowl by Daddy Bear's bed, but no other sign of washing facilities.]_
> 
> **Clara / Narrator** :  
>  And first she lay down upon the bed of the great huge Daddy Bear.
> 
> **Lucie / Goldilocks** :  
>  You are kidding me. I'm not touching any of those beds. Not for all the gold in the Universe. And you can't make me. I don't care what the story says.
> 
> _[She turns, and begins to hop back down the stairs. Halfway down, there's a click, and the staircase turns into a ramp. Lucie loses her footing and plunges headlong down it.]_
> 
> **Clara / Narrator** _[rapidly]_ :  
>  Goldilocks said another bad word. Several, in fact.
> 
> _[The Bears' kitchen. Lucie / Goldilocks slides head-first down the ramp where the staircase was, across the floor, and into the leg of the table, directly below where Baby Bear's porridge is standing. It tumbles down behind the table. A moment later, Lucie rises to her knees and peers over the table. There is a dazed expression on her face and the porridge bowl upside-down on her head.]_
> 
> **Lucie / Goldilocks** :  
>  So you gotta let me know: Should I stay or should I go? 
> 
> _[She collapses with a thud.]_
> 
> **Clara / Narrator** :  
>  By this time the Three Bears thought their porridge would be cool enough; so they came home to breakfast.
> 
> _[The three bears enter the room, and survey the devastation.]_
> 
> **Ainley Master / Daddy Bear** :  
>  Do you know, I think we may have had burglars.
> 
> **Missy / Mummy Bear** :  
>  Impossible, darling. I made sure to set the snare before we went out.
> 
> **Ainley Master / Daddy Bear** :  
>  That may be so, but it looks as if someone had been sitting in my chair.
> 
> **Simm Master / Baby Bear** :  
>  But muuuum....
> 
> **Missy / Mummy Bear** :  
>  Quiet, dear, the grown-ups are talking. I think, Daddy Bear, you'll find someone's been _eating_ your chair. I keep telling you there are woodworm in the house, but you never get round to sending for the pest control company. _[She indicates a business card on the mantlepiece, displaying a picture of a black Dalek.]_
> 
> **Ainley Master / Daddy Bear** _[picking up a chairleg]_ :  
>  I don't think this was woodworm. Look, you can see the fracture lines.
> 
> **Simm Master / Baby Bear** :  
>  Muuuum!
> 
> **Missy / Mummy Bear** :  
>  Hush! You know, I think maybe you're right about it not being woodworm. Those fractures remind me more of blunt trauma.
> 
> **Ainley Master / Daddy Bear** :  
>  Ah, happy days.
> 
> **Missy / Mummy Bear** :  
>  And... does it look to you as if someone's been sitting in my porridge?
> 
> **Ainley Master / Daddy Bear** :  
>  I suspect that someone's been sweeping my table, too. 
> 
> **Simm Master / Baby Bear** :  
>  Mum! Dad!
> 
> **Ainley Master / Daddy Bear** :  
>  If you don't hold your tongue I'll give you the side of my paw, you little brat. Let's consider the facts. Somebody broke in. They managed to escape the snare, so they have a certain basic level of competence, and then they proceeded to wreck the place. There's surely only one possible suspect.
> 
> **Missy / Mummy Bear** :  
>  The Doctor! He never can keep his fingers out of our business! All this is just what he'd do. It's his way of saying hello.
> 
> **Ainley Master / Daddy Bear** :  
>  I think you've hit the nail on the head, Mummy Bear. I suggest we pay him a little visit and—
> 
> **Simm Master / Baby Bear** :  
>  DAD!
> 
> **Ainley Master / Daddy Bear** :  
>  Can't you keep quiet even for five minutes?
> 
> _[The Simm Master kicks the table over, revealing the unconscious Lucie lying in a puddle of porridge, the bowl still on her head.]_
> 
> **Simm Master / Baby Bear** :  
>  Someone's been sleeping in my porridge, and _she's still here!_
> 
> **Clara / Narrator** :  
>  Goldilocks had heard in her sleep the voices of the bears, but they weren't loud enough to wake her. But when she heard the sharp, shrill voice of Baby Bear, it awakened her at once. Up she started, and when she saw the Three Bears...
> 
> **Lucie / Goldilocks** _[blearily looking up]_ :  
>  Oh... sugar.
> 
> **Clara / Narrator** :  
>  ... she ran to the bedroom window.
> 
> _[Lucie, frantically hopping, heads off up the bedroom stairs. The three Masters watch her, but make no attempt to follow.]_
> 
> **Missy / Mummy Bear** :  
>  I still say, if someone did break in, it's more likely to have been the Doctor, you know.
> 
> **Clara / Narrator** :  
>  Goldilocks jumped out of the bedroom window, and whether she broke her—

She caught herself just in time before reaching the word 'neck', and settled on a little more improvisation. 

> **Clara / Narrator** :  
>  She jumped out of the window, and landed in the, ah, water butt.
> 
> _[Outside the house. A large barrel stands against the wall. With a shriek and a splash, Lucie drops vertically into it from above; a moment later, her head emerges. She spits out a mouthful of water.]_
> 
> **Lucie / Goldilocks** _[Looking daggers at the audience]_ :  
>  This is not. Chuffing. Funny. And it's gonna take forever to get that porridge out of me hair.
> 
> **Clara / Narrator** :  
>  There's a footnote here saying that there's an alternate version in which you'd be impaled on a church steeple. Would you prefer me to read that one?
> 
> **Lucie / Goldilocks** :  
>  No, I want the version where _you_ get impaled. Look, is anyone going to get me out of here or not?
> 
> **Clara / Narrator** :  
>  Indeed, yes. The three bears quickly caught up with the intruder.
> 
> _[The three Masters come out of the cottage, and take up their stations around the barrel.]_
> 
> **Simm Master / Baby Bear** :  
>  Can I play with her, mummy?
> 
> **Missy / Mummy Bear** :  
>  Certainly not. I've told you before about playing with your food.
> 
> **Ainley Master / Daddy Bear** :  
>  Not to worry, my darling. I know how to deal with troublesome young women like this.
> 
> _[He aims his tissue compression eliminator at the barrel, adjusts a setting, and fires. The barrel implodes, leaving Lucie; but before she can make a break for it, she finds herself firmly held.]_
> 
> **Clara / Narrator** :  
>  And Daddy Bear put her over his knee, and spanked—

"You can't say that!" Izzy exclaimed.

Clara looked puzzled. "Whyever not?"

"I'm not having talk of punishment beatings in my nursery! You could traumatise the children for life!"

"Physical chastisement is an essential part of discipline."

Izzy took a deep breath. "I suppose you can't help being a hundred years out of date. You probably don't see anything wrong with sending children up chimneys, either. Anyway, it's out of the question."

Clara looked at the book again. "Very well."

> **Clara / Narrator** :  
>  Goldilocks was taken up by the constable, and sent to the House of Correction.
> 
> _[The Roberts Master enters. He is wearing a Victorian police uniform, with ginger side whiskers, and his normal dark glasses.]_
> 
> **Roberts Master / Policeman** :  
>  You're under arrest, young lady. I must caution you that anything you say will be taken down and...
> 
> **Lucie / Goldilocks** :  
>  Trousers!
> 
> _[The Roberts Master promptly lowers his trousers, revealing polka-dotted boxer shorts. Lucie makes a break for it at her best hop; the Masters give chase, all in speeded-up motion, to the accompaniment of 'Yakety Sax'. They circle the cottage three times and all disappear into the woods.]_
> 
> **Clara / Narrator** :  
>  And the Three Bears never saw any more of Goldilocks from that day to this. 

"Wasn't that a nice story?" Izzy said, crossing her fingers behind her back. "Now, I'd like you all to say 'Thank you' to Miss Montague for taking the time to read it to you."

"But I haven't finished!" Clara protested.

"What do you mean, you haven't finished? That's how I remember 'Goldilocks' ending. The bears chase her away and she doesn't break into their house again."

"I must read them the moral. It's an essential part of any tale for children."

"No!" Izzy jumped to her feet. "If it's anything like the rest of your story, then a moral's the last thing we need. I'm sorry, Miss Montague, but you really aren't suitable for this. I think you'd better leave at once."

Clara pulled a face. "Suit yourself," she said, dropping into Cockney. "No skin off my nose."

"One thing, though," Izzy said, ushering her politely but firmly to the door. "Who really put you up to this? The Master?"

"Nah, Porridge."

"What, Emperor Ludens Nimrod etcetera etcetera? He only had a couple of lines. That's a lot of trouble to go to. Still, I suppose when you're the Emperor of the Universe..."

Clara shook her head. "I didn't mean him. Peabody's Porridge are doing a new line: Porridge and Peppers."

She produced a poster, and held it up. It showed Lucie as she had been at the end of the story: drenched, covered in porridge and nearly incandescent with rage, shouting something at the camera. Below was the strapline 'Tastes almost as good as it looks.'

"If anyone tries to use this nursery for product placement again I'll come down on them like a ton of bricks," Izzy said firmly. "And I wouldn't like to be in your shoes when Lucie catches you. Goodbye."

⁂

While Izzy was conducting Clara safely out of the way, Baby Amelia stood up. 

"I know the moral," she said. "My auntie told it me. Do you want to hear it?" 

There was a chorus of enthusiastic agreement from the other toddlers.

"Here it is, then." Amelia put her hands behind her back, and began to recite.

"A girl, a bear, at front and rear,  
"One is fair, but one brings fear.  
"Mile after mile, to fore and back,  
"One has a smile, and one attacks."

She shot a quick glance at the floor, as if to reassure herself that it wasn't opening beneath her feet, and resumed her recitation:

"While the girl ahead might blow your mind,  
"Feel pain and dread from the bear behind."

**Author's Note:**

> This Time Round originated by Tyler Dion. 
> 
> Look Who's Talking created by Imran Inayat.


End file.
